On Me

My whole life, people have told me that they're jealous of my honey brown eyes, my amazing head of hair, my olive skin tone. 

The only thing enviable about me is my relentless ability to overcome.

On Being Black

You know what I hate? When people say, "oh, but you don't look that Black," or something very similar. Sure, I may not look that Black. I may look Greek, or Italian (I am Italian) or Puerto Rican or something. I may even look like a Caucasian with a good tan.

But, the whole point of everything we've learned in our lives (because we're a younger generation in racial "acceptance") is skin color doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how Black I look, it doesn't matter "how Black" I am, it doesn't matter if only one of the four of my grandparents was Black. What matters is history, personal identification, knowledge. My father was a Black Panther, his sister the same. My family fought alongside strong Black people, fought for our rights, fought against injustice, fought and fought for racial acceptance. My ancestors were kidnapped and brutally forced into enslavement. Why does it matter if I hardly look Black to an ignorant white person? That devalues my family tree? Just because I can pass for white doesn't mean that my family hasn't gone through just as much racial history as a fully Black person has. We all came from the same place.

My parents were married in 1985, much to the dismay of most people around them. I think we tend to forget, especially in an era with a Black president, that we've come a very slow, painful way. We like to turn a blind eye and pretend that everything is equal today. Realistically, we're hardly any further in racial equality than we were during the Civil Rights movement. My parents were a biracial couple. Today, biracial couples get almost as much disapproval. The other morning, I read an article in a Cosmopolitan (please, I was getting my hair done and there was nothing else to read) about biracial couples and their experiences. The fact that this article existed offended me. If we are truly equal, the article wouldn't have been relevant in the slightest. It would have been just as uninteresting as reading about three couples in their 20's and what their families think. Who cares? No one should care. It shouldn't be a mentionable issue at all! No one realizes this, and when we stop making race into an issue, we will truly be equal.

I digress. I am a Black person. I was raised Black, I have strong Black siblings, and a strong Black family and there is no part of me that cares how dark my skin is. I'm not out to prove anything, but every time that dreaded sentence is spoken to me, I'm reminded how far we have to go.

On Overwhelming!

The inertia of my life is plunging ahead and there's me, powerless to stop it. 

It's a Titanic quote. I promise. 

Everything is changing all at once. Big ones, little ones, lost friendships, reconnected ones, people quitting our store, our company, moving on to bigger and better things, or just moving on to other things. Everyone said a million things about our 20's that I always thought I would be above, but I am not above any of it.

Everyday, I have a million new feelings. I am in an incredibly good mood right now because I slept in, I had a great night last night, I am about to go jogging and then to Village Books. I'm not going to complain on days like this, however, it has been a rough week or two of rapid transition. I think it's because I'm selfish, but when lives start shifting, I think it's important to ask yourself if you'll be able to keep up. I'm not doing anything different, but should I? I'm not leaving my job or my store, but since Kymi is, how will they affect me or us? When she moves on to other aspects of her life, how will it affect our friendship? How will it affect her life, which in turn may affect my life? I'm a realistic thinker. People live and learn and grow at completely different times. 

I'm losing important people, I'm gaining important people. I'm loving more intensely, but it's more of a defined way of loving. I used to maintain SO many friendships all at once. I loved an entire movie theater of people. I can't even love an entire Starbucks now. It's part of growing up, I know, and I've been more jaded. There are people I could never love again, and there are people I still love so profoundly that it consumes and defines me. 

I talked to Nate, my Nate, for an hour on the phone last week. His voice was the same, and he laughed when I said that. "Obviously, my voice is the same." But I hadn't heard it in four years! Four years is an incredibly long time to not hear the voice that used to calm my nerves, that used to put me in my place, that I used to yearn for. Oh, Nate was the love of my life, and it's weird to reconnect with him as an adult. I was a kid when I met him, I was a kid when I fell in love with him, and I was barely 20 when I got over it. But just hearing him, immediately recognizing his exhaustion and unhappiness--well, I could have been 16 again. I love so loyally that Nate will never not be that person to me, at least in some respect. 

And Ben, a person who may or may not have deserved a reconnection. Who cares, though? Why do we get caught up in not forgiving? It's all been through written word, but our overwhelming care for one another remains apparent. Getting Ben back is possibly one of the best things for me in my present life, and undoubtedly, in my future.

I used to resist change, but that's just silly. It's not an option. We don't get a choice.

On Justification

I hate when people ask me how I can like someone. "How do you even like that person?" It happens to me all the time for some reason, and I don't just mean when I'm seeing someone, I mean best friends, coworkers, everyone.

I don't justify anything because I think we're all meant to make our own choices and decisions and we're in charge of our own actions. I don't need to explain to anyone why I like anything that I like. (I'll defend some things--movies and such. I'm good at that.)

But today, as I walked through my favorite jogging trail, listening to Norah Jones (my deep thought queen), I accidentally asked myself a slightly different version of that hated question. Since I asked myself, I forced consideration. It wasn't so much "how do I love," but "how can anyone else possibly love?" I know that sounds harsh, but it's truly more beautiful than I can phrase it.

Love is actually so selfish. I don't think we realize that, but it is. I'll be less general, though, and try to speak for myself and not the whole world, though I have a feeling I'm not alone. I love someone, and I love them so uniquely to myself that I cannot imagine how anyone else could ever love the same person.

I end up loving the weirdest parts of someone. I love the sound Casee makes when she yawns, I love the look Jenna makes in the mirror when she's trying on clothes in the morning, I love that Kymi will text me from anyone else's phone just to let me know hers is dead so I don't worry. I end up loving things that are unique to me, I end up loving uniquely.

I'm getting old. Don't laugh. I know I'm young, but I can feel it. I'm less passionate than I was before. I'm not as free-spirited. I'm not positively feverish when I see a movie I like. I don't go to midnight showings very often. I don't cry very much, I don't laugh as much. I don't know if it's growing up, or I'm missing something. I just lack feeling.

I stick with it because he gives me feeling.

On Changing the Blog!

I'm changing my blog up slightly, which I always kind of planned on doing. I really wanted my blogspot to be for serious thoughts, because I already have my livejournal that I record daily bullshit on, and I have my facebook for really silly lists and thoughts, and then I even have my twitter so every single time I have something to say, there is somewhere to say it.

However, I've always been a fan of movie trailers. Like a big, big fan. Before they were even taken as seriously as they are now. (Do you notice that? Trailers are a lot more involved than they used to be.) So, I thought it would be fun to watch new movie trailers on occasion and talk about how I feel about them. Man, doesn't that sound narcissistic and fun for all? I just read an article that talked about how narcissistic social networking makes us. Um, duh. Here we go, folks. I may also start discussing books I'm reading, too. Just for the hell of it. Welcome.


The Romantics
The worst thing to a judgmental movie-goer are the words "Based upon the novel by." Maybe it doesn't bother all judgmental movie-goers, but it bothers this one with her English Literature degree. That being said, movies and books are always different, no matter how close the screenwriter sticks to the story. That being said, I'll continue. I hate Katie Holmes, so obviously that was the first mark against this cute little story. I will definitely watch this movie, it honestly looks right up my alley. Josh Duhamel bothers me, as does Anna Paquin and Malin Ackerman. In fact, what bothers me about this trailer (and that's not to say the whole movie will be like this) is that it seems to totter between indie film and what's popular now. I guess it could be the natural confusion of all of us since hipsters are in, therefore all things indie are too. It's an awkward thing, I guess. The music in this trailer bothered me, and half the cast does too, but I do like the storyline. Broken weddings are always interesting, and I love stories about friends reuniting. Thumbs up.


Freebie
First off, Dax? What are you doing? He doesn't look half as annoying as he used to be, so that's great. Now this movie, I can get down with. I have a really hard time with affairs and with cheating, but the question spoken across the screen in the beginning of the trailer caught my attention. "Maybe being with one person for the rest of your life isn't natural at all." Aye. It's something I think about all the time, likely more than most people, because I know that human beings are not built to be monogamous. There are romantics out there, those that love The Notebook and maybe even Titanic (hi, I'm not romantic in the least bit, but I do love those movies) and try to base their own love stories around books and movies--these people believe in the ability to love one person and never move on. I am not saying anyone should cheat on anyone, but I am saying that divorce happens, and change happens and death happens, and we are not built to love just one person forever. We aren't. It's a stone cold fact that we will always move on. The whole issue fascinates me, and it seems like this movie delves right into it. Delightful. Thumbs way up.