I'm fine, though. I mean, my hair still looks good and I have my health and yadda yadda yadda, and one day, I can advise my kids that babysteps and deep breaths will get you through your 20s. At least I hope that's true, because it is the pep talk I give myself every morning. I feel like getting "brighter" tattooed on my arm fifty more times because looking at it written once on my wrist isn't enough anymore.
I really, really want to post the list I wrote a little while ago, but a few people would kill me if I posted it publicly. Just know that it's called "10 Things That Prove My Life is a RomCom" and it is hilarious.
Instead, how about this? It's like this, but with movies.
The 10 Movie Characters I Secretly Am
1. Bob Wiley
You know, I think I love that movie so much because even though I am not an extremely obsessive compulsive germaphobe, I still wholeheartedly relate to Bob.
|I also tell myself all the time, "I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful."|
2. Wendy Darling
I'm also kind of like Wendy Darling from Hook. Just give me a few years.
3. Maggie Carpenter, Runaway Bride
Now I have never actually run away from my bridal altar before, but every time I watch this movie, I can see myself making the plunge. (The plunge to run, not the plunge to marry--though at rare times in my life, I do think I might get married.)
Not to mention, there's that line when Maggie and her best friend are talking about how she flirts too much and all the guys always love her and she's quirky not weird (all me things): "I think there is a distinct possibility that I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up." Yup.
4. Annie Walker, Bridesmaids
I had not one, not two, but three people who know me very well tell me that I remind them of "Kristin Wiig's character in Bridesmaids." Here's the thing: I don't have a close enough girlfriend anymore to have the reaction that Annie has to Lillian's engagement. Thank god. I could totally see my steady path to rock bottom going down if I were still best friends with Casee. Dodged that bullet, I guess! We have some similarities, I'm willing to admit--even if I can see myself in Lillian, as well.
Lauren cannot watch the scene where Lillian tells Annie that she's engaged without cracking up because she claims her reaction is so me. I cannot watch most scenes without cringing.
All I know is I love "Hold On." So. Much.
5. Harry Burns, When Harry Met Sally
I don't know what it says about me that I usually relate to the male character in a relationship, but I can probably make some sense of it. (Brothers...) I have said it once, I will say it a million times, but that part where Sally says: "you're going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them" is me in a nutshell. And you know what? I truly do not believe that I will ever find a way of not expressing every feeling that I have, every moment that I have them. And maybe that's okay. Maybe I will just settle with being a fucking freakshow for the rest of my life.
On a particularly hard feelings-that-we-don't-know-how-to-handle day, I hashtagged via text message to my boy that I would be Harry and he hashtagged back, "#defwouldbesally." Role reversal is the best. I guess this leaves me with the task of grandiose speech on New Year's Eve. Ehh, maybe in another ten years.
6. Tom Hansen, (500) Days of Summer
There is a reason I hate this movie, and it is because I am, word for word, thought for thought, Tom Hansen. But not as endearing. The poor bastard. I just read through the IMDB quotes to find something that perfectly summed me up and I couldn't even settle on anything. Poor Tom, poor Jess.
|THAT IS ME.|
His die hard romanticism can be called ignorant or naive, but I call it what it is: hopeful.
I am an extreme realist. I basically cannot dream about a thing, but when it comes to love--true, true love--I am the sappiest. Do I think there is one soulmate for everyone? Nah. Do I believe in one person for everyone? Not at all. But do I believe that when you know you know?
"There was for Kate and Leo. There was for you. There is for me. She's 'the one.'"
|...how I spend most of my time.|
Oh, don't judge. You know we all have a little Mean Girl in us and just because I'd be Queen Bee of the mean girls doesn't mean anything. I'm just a natural born leader. Even if my hair is dark like Gretchen Weiners', we all know I am the dominant one in most groups.
9. Cher, Clueless
I am not as big of a ditz as Cher, but basically every quotable thing that comes out of her mouth sounds like something I would say with the exception of her shoe obsession because they don't make shoes that fit my big ass feet.
"Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good."
Yeah, duh. Why do you think so many boys like me? (Because of my charm and wit, duh. The lips are a bonus.)
10. Belle, Beauty and the Beast
I do not think I am nearly as intelligent as Belle, and I do not have as much free time to read the same book from the library like three times a week or whatever, but when Belle belts out the reprise to "Bonjour," she is speaking my language. It is basically how I feel about Bellingham and my life, minus the fact that I would probably be dumb enough to date Gaston.
There must be more than this provincial life. Right?! It's why I apply for jobs in LA all the time. Seriously, LA? Someone is getting flighty again.